Inferiority Complex

So, I've realized what my next self evolution project is going to be.  I always feel like everyone does everything better than I do, or that what I do isn't up to par.  I compare my skills with others and I know that it is unhealthy. I always think "well maybe I'll get better at this someday" or "I'll never be as good as that person because I am just inadequate." This kind of self doubt has crippled me in some ways.  I know to some people it would be surprising that I am so unsure of myself,  I know that I come off much more secure.  The entire battle happens beneath the surface, I never let anyone see.  I think that is what needs to change, if I let people in, and let them now how scared I am or how unsure I am, maybe they can help.

I think this kind of thought process is what lead me to drugs when I was younger, they made me feel powerful, confident and motivated. All of this is bullshit and it is lies that you tell yourself so that you don't have to stop using, and you don't have to go back to being you.  Being sober, means being vulnerable and present, when all you want is to be someone else, somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like that now, there are just still those sick little thoughts that float around in my mind, that stop me from feeling completely ok.

It's just like school, I know that SO many of my friends have or are working on degrees but for some reason I have this nagging thought that I won't be able to do it. I feel like there is something in me that is going to fuck it all up, like I don't deserve it. So, my goal before fall semester is to stop doubting myself and gather strength and courage from those that love me. I surrender, I can't do everything all by myself and I have to understand that, that is ok, and doesn't make me deficient. Wish me luck!

Peace Is Good

Peace is good, peace is something I've never experienced before and it is something I will not easily part with. Things is my life are solid, no wavering, no insecurities, no uncertainties, solid.  I know without a doubt that John and I are on our way to the rest of our lives, and I know we will have amazing little versions of us that grow up to be outstanding, loving people. I know that I am headed in the right direction career wise, and I know that I have a plan for finishing school and that I will not let anything get in the way. Certainty feels great! With all of this being said, I would be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that is terrified that it is all going to come off the rails at any second (but that is just my past whispering in my ear).  

Pretty soon, John and I will be living alone. This is going to be the best possible thing for our relationship, it's time to have this house all to ourselves.  Also, I am going to convert the other bedroom in my sewing room.  I've never made a dress, like a real dress with appropriate seams and what not. I am more of an alteration/conversion girl. This summer I am going to start making clothes for myself and Samantha.  I'm really excited to improve my sewing skills. Thanks to my Gran I have the full setup, machine, fabric (coming out of my ears), vintage patters, buttons, zippers, hooks, snaps, ribbon, piping...you get the idea. 

30 is going to be SO good!! I couldn't possibly be more excited for my future, which is something I've never been able to say before. To be honest, there have been times in my life that I wasn't sure I had one.  Everything good, is just falling into place, people that I've missed are coming back around, and my lasting friendships are getting stronger by the day. I've got love and joy flowing through me constantly. Life is good.