Ok Ok i get it

So, I'm back.  It's been a little while, it isn't that I have a shortage of things to say, I just haven't been inspired to say things.  So now I'm sure I'll just ramble on about nonsense and what not for a cool minute.

I'm really excited about my life right now.  John and I were in bed last night talking about how we want our dream home to be designed.  Of course my main focus was on the kitchen.  It is an amazing feeling to know that someone wants to design their life with you, and around you. Like, do I deserve this?  What did I did to have the good fortune of finding my perfect match?  I wonder if he knows what he's signing up for hmmm...

In June we are taking a trip to Alabama to spend some time with John's Dad and step Mom.  I could not be more excited, I can't wait to meet the man who created the love of my life so I can properly thank him.  I am thrilled to spend some time out of the valley or as I like to call it "the sucking pit of death".  I need some fresh air, green grass, and good food.  I think this trip is going to be amazing. Who knows, maybe we'll fall in love with Alabama and never come back.

I can't let go of this feeling that I need to flee this place.  I feel like as soon as we can settle down in a place where we can be ourselves and live the life we dream about, my real life will begin.  It's unnerving to sit around and realize that you aren't living the life you're meant to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy girl, I just think my happiness is in limbo and will really come to life once we've carved our own path.  I want babies, and I don't want to raise them here, it terrifies me.

I never thought I would want to leave socal but here it is.  People keep saying things to me like "why would you want to move, the weather here is so beautiful"?  Well, if that is the only thing this place has going for it, count me out.  Yes, the weather is beautiful and you have to give the state your first born child and a kidney to live here.  My first apartment at 19 was a two bedroom in Sherman Oaks in a four unit building built in the 50s. We paid 1350 to live there.  It wasn't even that nice, and the bedrooms were small. To me, that is madness. I have been looking in New Orleans and Kentucky just to compare cost of living.  In New Orleans I found several beautiful apartments in great locations that allow all size dogs for amazing prices.  One in particular was a two bedroom, pet friendly, hard wood floors, washer/dryer in unit, patio, pool, gym, walk in closets, big kitchen, parking (wow), for 795. What???? You can't hardly find a studio in the shittiest part of the valley for that!  Minimum wage is 7.25 but unlike LA most jobs that aren't fast food or grocery bagger pay more than that.  I was checking craigslist in LA for reception jobs and they pay the same as in New Orleans. 

The ultimate goal is to buy property and have a house built.  I can afford that in states like Kentucky, Alabama and Louisiana. I've finally come to realize that I deserve "the American dream" just as much as the next schmuck.  I also know that you have to go out and get it and that is what I plan to do.  I'm ready to find my little cubbyhole in the world and set up shop.  I want to know and love my neighbors, I want to attend neighborhood picnics and block parties and be part of some social group that plans great events for the community.  I want my kids to be safe at school and at home and I want to know that I am providing the very best life I can for them.  I'm ready and willing to do everything I  must to attain this life.

Old Year New Year Red Fish Blue Fish

Every year I write a goodbye to the previous.  The past few years I have written pretty nasty screw you letters to the year passed, this year I'm singing a different tune. 

2011  I love you.  This has been a year of discovery, growth and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.  It has also been a year of trials, frustrations, fights and reconciliations.  All of these events have come together to create one of the happiest years of my life.  I have never felt more like myself than I have in 2011, I have never been so willing to be vulnerable, all with excellent outcome.  I am raw, fearless, and motivated.  I AM the very best version of myself.  I have subconsciously and consciously pushed, pulled and clawed my way to a place above all of the fear, judgment and resentment I had been living.  I am free, free to love wholeheartedly and without fear.  There are a few people who have held my hand along the way and I could not be as happy, stable and confident as I am today without them. John, you are my heart.  I love you more and more each and every day and you make me feel like I am capable of any damn thing I decide I want to take on.  You are kind, you are loving and you are my very best friend.  We are going to have the most amazing life together!  Aaron, you are my favorite newest bff.  I can always talk to you and you are always supportive and sweet.  I am looking forward to a long friendship with you.  Mags, oh Maggie we've fought, we've loved each other we've been hot messes at various times but you are my favorite best frenemy! As much as I want to take care of you and help you along the way, you take care of me too.  You make me feel beautiful, and important, I am thankful for that.  Kathy, thank you for being the house Mommy, we all need a little mothering sometimes, no matter how old we are! Hilly and Lilly, my favorite two girls to hang around the house with! Hill, our new closer friendship means a lot to me and I think its only going to get better!  Your baby girl makes my heart happy each time I see her lil face.  I am honored to be part of your big day! Lori, you make me absolutely positive that I can be successful in this tough field, you are my personal inspiration!


Well, 2011 has been incredible and I get the feeling that 2012 is gonna knock my socks off! There are weddings, travels and who knows what else to look forward to in the year ahead!  I wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year with as much love, success and happiness I have experienced this year.

Time To Get Real

So, I am on day 4 of a 5 day vacation all of which I have spent sick.  It figures, we have been planning this trip for months and are overdue for a good time so, the universe decided that it was time for my body to shut down.  I am pleased with myself for upgrading to the nicer room, I've spent a lot of time here.  This is the point in my trip when I start to feel sorry for myself because I am in a constant state of either illness, recovery or illness prevention (which by the way rarely works).  This period of self loathing never lasts long, I am entirely too proud to feel sorry for myself for any significant length of time.  Now I'm just pissed.  So, for the thousandth time I am kicking my health routine into overdrive, be proactive right?  I have a juicer and I know how to use it!  Really though, I'm 28 going on 48 and I need to start being more realistic about the "special needs" of my body.  I remember a time when I could eat and drink anything, in any combination, whenever I wanted.  That ship has sailed, I'm hypoglycemic so I have to watch my sugar and I have a depleted immune system from illness as a child as well as what I am 99 percent positive is an ulcer.  I feel like an idiot sometimes for thinking that I am super girl or something and that I can do anything, consequence free! Reality Bites.  In order to be healthy enough to do the things that I want to do, I have to take charge of how I treat myself and be responsible for my body. 


Going to the Doc regularly is something that I really suck at, as a kid I was sick allllll the time and spent a lot of time in the hospital, having all kinds of tests, procedures and a few surgeries.  I guess I'm tired of being poked and afraid of something being "found".  This makes me a complete fucking MORON.  I lost my Grandfather in January of 2010 because he had an ulcer that he never saw the doctor for until he was bleeding out into his stomach. After countless surgeries to try and repair him, there was nothing more that could be done.  How stupid! A fucking ulcer killed him, something the doctor tells you to take Tagament for and avoid peppers and citrus.  He had to have been in agonizing pain for over a year on and off and never took care of it, then he spent several more agonizing months in the hospital only to lose the battle and leave us all too early.  Am I angry about this? Absolutely. You would think that this horrific loss would open my eyes to the real risks of not taking proper care of yourself.  I think it finally sunk in today.  Today is my Grandfather's birthday and I am sitting in a fancy hotel room in Vegas with a pocket full of cash, too sick to enjoy my time because I can't be bothered to take the necessary steps to stay healthy.  Guilt has taken over, I not only ruined my vacation but I have now allowed my  idiocy to wreck John's much deserved vacay as well. 

I don't know what  purpose this rant serves other than to remind myself and maybe others of the importance of taking care of yourself, if not for your benefit than the benefit of those who love you.

Happy Birthday Gramps! I love you to a zillion pieces and think of you every day.  You have taught me valuable lessons in life as well as in death.  You brought sincere happiness and love to every person you came into contact with, I have never met a more loving, accepting person and I don't think I ever will.  You are missed more than you could have ever imagined. 

Anxiety Seeping Through My Seams

I'm getting really restless.  I don't want to live in this damn city anymore, I feel really stuck.  The problem  certainly is not motivation, we are more than motivated.  The issue is the means, once we've figured out the HOW everything will be gravy.  Until then I am bubbling over with anticipation, this consumes my dreams most nights and most days.  I spent so much time trying to force happiness in my previous life, I am finally sincerely happy now and I just want to be free to become even happier.  I feel like once we've gotten somewhere we can relax and be comfortable, we will  be elevated to a brand new place, one neither of us have been before.  If we have the ability to make the very best of this place, I can't  imagine the bliss we'll find in the future.  I can't wait for things to align and I am plotting and planning every single day to get us there. This house has too many memories that belong to too many other people.  Every corner has an identity and a feel.  I need to start somewhere that doesn't hold any of my memories yet, this way I can build new ones without the old memory after taste to muck it all up. I guess, I just can't wait to start the life I know I am meant to have.

The Future is Filled With Lemonade and Cut Grass

I have this dream, or vision, or wish or something.  I see us, I see me, watching you through an old kitchen window, running and playing in the grass with our children beneath the close to blinding sunlight. I'm filled with giddiness and pure fulfillment and joy. The smells of jasmine sweep through our old plantation home. I'm making lemonade.  

You come in to see me, wiping sweat from your brow.  This smile on your face is the happiest I have ever see you. Who would have ever thought that these simple things would be our dream come true.  

We have family,we have love.  I'm "the woman of the house" and I invite people in for sweet tea on a hot summer day and you, you're the man of the house and you fix the broken things.  I love you, and our lives together more than I could have ever imagined loving anything.

I used to think I was so complicated and that I would never be happy because I would never allow myself the luxury.  What I really want is to love and be loved as much as I can before my time is through. 

This is my dream, my happy thought. It's doable.

 Um...Ok I need to have this!

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups finely chopped pecans
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted
• CREAM CHEESE FILLING:
• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg, lightly beaten
• PUMPKIN FILLING:
• 2 eggs
• 1 1/4 cups canned pumpkin
• 1 cup evaporated milk
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• Dash salt
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans

Directions

1. In a small bowl, combine the pecans, sugar and butter. Press onto the bottom and 3/4 in. up the sides of a greased 9-in. springform pan. Place pan on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees F for 10 minutes.
2. In a small mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla until smooth. Add egg; beat on low speed just until combined. Spread over crust. In another mixing bowl, combine the eggs, pumpkin, milk, sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and salt; pour over the cream cheese layer.
3. Reduce heat to 350 degrees F. Bake for 55-60 minutes or until a knife inserted into pumpkin layer comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Carefully run a knife around the edge of pan to loosen; cool 1 hour longer. Sprinkle with pecans. Chill overnight. Remove sides of pan before cutting. Refrigerate leftovers.

 So, once I have them time I am going to make the shit out of this and I'll let you all know how it goes!

Living in La La Love Land

I realized recently that the version of myself that I am now is my favorite version thus far.  I have made some drastic changes in my life in the last year and a half-ish that have altered who I am, for the better.  It is so hard for me to turn my back on people and let them go but I have done some incredible work in that department. I've also left my husband, drank heavily for a summer, fell in love, found my happy place, cried myself into a deep sleep more than once, made a very difficult decision, started school again, lost several "friends", changed my attitude and reconnected with who I am...to name just a few life altering experiences I have had in the last 465 days, the last 58 of which I've been sober for.  

Now sobriety, that is something I haven't been SO familiar with. I don't know that I have been sober for more than a week in years.  The clarity that I have these days is beautiful.  I am so in love and in such a fulfilling, nurturing relationship with a man that makes me feel everything I have ever wanted to feel but didn't know I could.  I've never been so healthy with someone, so open, so raw and honest all of the time. I trust him, I really truly trust him, I don't know who else I can really say that about.  I believe him, and I believe in him.  He makes me believe in me. I have never felt so capable of anything in all of my life.  This is it, what I've been waiting for.  

I've been given the opportunity to start again and I am so much more than willing to take it.  How often in life do you get a do-over?