Demons

Facing the truth of time, it always passes, moments and memories constantly being created
Just as quickly forgotten
Some memories we never forget
16, drugs coursing through my veins, invincibility pounding in my chest
Standing on the edge of dying, never feeling more alive
Fearless, shameless, clueless
I'll use my flesh to find my place

We created family where there was none
Lost and lonely children
Filling the voids with all we understood
Safety in numbers, but no one to save us from ourselves
Some will survive, some never had a chance
Nobody gets out unscathed

Sitting in my new skin, older, wiser, weathered
Afraid for the little girl who once was
Safe in my bed, in my skin, in my head
Memories of the past haunting my sleep
I saved me, from myself

Inferiority Complex

So, I've realized what my next self evolution project is going to be.  I always feel like everyone does everything better than I do, or that what I do isn't up to par.  I compare my skills with others and I know that it is unhealthy. I always think "well maybe I'll get better at this someday" or "I'll never be as good as that person because I am just inadequate." This kind of self doubt has crippled me in some ways.  I know to some people it would be surprising that I am so unsure of myself,  I know that I come off much more secure.  The entire battle happens beneath the surface, I never let anyone see.  I think that is what needs to change, if I let people in, and let them now how scared I am or how unsure I am, maybe they can help.

I think this kind of thought process is what lead me to drugs when I was younger, they made me feel powerful, confident and motivated. All of this is bullshit and it is lies that you tell yourself so that you don't have to stop using, and you don't have to go back to being you.  Being sober, means being vulnerable and present, when all you want is to be someone else, somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like that now, there are just still those sick little thoughts that float around in my mind, that stop me from feeling completely ok.

It's just like school, I know that SO many of my friends have or are working on degrees but for some reason I have this nagging thought that I won't be able to do it. I feel like there is something in me that is going to fuck it all up, like I don't deserve it. So, my goal before fall semester is to stop doubting myself and gather strength and courage from those that love me. I surrender, I can't do everything all by myself and I have to understand that, that is ok, and doesn't make me deficient. Wish me luck!

Peace Is Good

Peace is good, peace is something I've never experienced before and it is something I will not easily part with. Things is my life are solid, no wavering, no insecurities, no uncertainties, solid.  I know without a doubt that John and I are on our way to the rest of our lives, and I know we will have amazing little versions of us that grow up to be outstanding, loving people. I know that I am headed in the right direction career wise, and I know that I have a plan for finishing school and that I will not let anything get in the way. Certainty feels great! With all of this being said, I would be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that is terrified that it is all going to come off the rails at any second (but that is just my past whispering in my ear).  

Pretty soon, John and I will be living alone. This is going to be the best possible thing for our relationship, it's time to have this house all to ourselves.  Also, I am going to convert the other bedroom in my sewing room.  I've never made a dress, like a real dress with appropriate seams and what not. I am more of an alteration/conversion girl. This summer I am going to start making clothes for myself and Samantha.  I'm really excited to improve my sewing skills. Thanks to my Gran I have the full setup, machine, fabric (coming out of my ears), vintage patters, buttons, zippers, hooks, snaps, ribbon, piping...you get the idea. 

30 is going to be SO good!! I couldn't possibly be more excited for my future, which is something I've never been able to say before. To be honest, there have been times in my life that I wasn't sure I had one.  Everything good, is just falling into place, people that I've missed are coming back around, and my lasting friendships are getting stronger by the day. I've got love and joy flowing through me constantly. Life is good.

The Complicated World of Family Life

This age is so weird, I remember the old me as if she was in a story book, or more realistically an after school special. I'm so different, so...GROWN UP!  I guess I'm just kind of settling into this revamped version of myself that I'm not quite comfortable living in yet. I've come to the conclusion that I have lived a life void of many things that most of my friends have in bounty. Now, this isn't a woe is me thing, I am just starting to understand why I am different. I've been on my own for a long time, taking care of myself and depending on nobody but me. That kind of thing changes you, I don't trust people to have my best interest at heart, so often times I take the wheel, just to protect myself. I'm realizing slowly but surely that this is offensive to the people who love me.

I had a pretty amazing weekend which sounds terrible, because it all revolved around a funeral. This horrible event, ended up uniting people and re-establishing bonds and re-igniting love. To witness the unity of family is something I've been missing for a really long time. Even if it wasn't my family that was reuniting, it gave me hope. John's family was so easy for me to be with, to sit with in silence as well as great conversation. I feel like if there is a heaven, John's Gram was watching with complete delight at her beautiful family sharing stories, loving each other and celebrating her life and her love.

This weekend has left me thinking about family, mine, John's, our future family. I'm thinking a lot about being a Mom and what all of that means to me. I want to be the kind of Mom that has an open, honest, trusting relationship with my children. I want them to know without a doubt that I will love them every single day of their lives and that I will be there for them, under any circumstances. I don't want the fractured relationship that was modeled so many times in my own family.

I'm heavy this week, I guess approaching 30 has that effect on people.

Picture Perfect

So, no more doom and gloom. I hit a rough patch emotionally I guess, given my last few posts, sorry lol  I'm back with the fun, food and photos.  So, yesterday I had the most amazing inbox message on Facebook! One of my friends asked if she could print some of my photos, to hang in her house! Like, are you kidding me?? This is something I do because it's fun, and someone actually liked it enough to want them printed! I am so flattered, it was a great compliment.  Anywho, I've been having SO much fun with my new camera, now I just need to decide the next lens I want to buy.  Here are some of my favs thus far.

I also found the most awesomest blog Sweet Tea and Cornbread, it's all things Southern and I am all too interested! I am making one of the breakfast recipes tomorrow morning and I'm super excited to see how it turns out!  I love the south, and southern people, and southern food and..yeah I just love it.

I've also realized that I have this new found confidence, and inner sexy that I never knew existed. I attribute that to several things, and by things I mean people. It started with Maggie, when we lived together, she did a lot to improve my self esteem regarding my outer beauty. I've never been a girl that felt "pretty" or sexy or anything but awkward.  I was always one of the guys, never the hot girl. Mags made me feel like one of the pretty girls. Second, is John, he gives me so much confidence and is always making me feel sexy from within.  This confidence and raised self esteem, has broadened my horizons by making me more of a "go getter" so to speak.  This relationship has empowered me in ways I'll never be able to explain. Sam, my partner in crime, has been side by side on this journey with me, both of us lifting each others spirits and helping each other realize what amazing, beautiful, powerful women we are! We will survive, strive and kick ass lady! Here are some of my favorite sex kitten pictures of my best gal and I LMAO.

I guess, what I'm getting at is that, I'm good.  I'm healthy, happy and delighted to be alive. I feel strong and driven, like nothing can stop me now!

So tired of the fight

I'm so out of things to say/do.  I'm so tired of fighting, you win.  I've been fighting you for as long as I can remember and it hurts too much to keep going. I can't watch my words anymore.  You win, you win! That is what you wanted me to say right? You're right, we are all stupid and we are awful people, you are the ONLY one with any heart.  I've never met someone so lost in my entire life, and I am embarrassed for myself.  I've beat my head against the wall trying to make things clear for you, trying to make you see.  It's like talking to a two year old.  I can't tell you anything you don't already know. You're pride, has caused you to plateau. You are never going to evolve, because you are too dense to know that you should.

I've lost hope.  You will never be to me, what you should be.  I have to find a way to reconcile that within myself.  I have to be better in spite of it.  I have to take the things you've done and use them as an example, of who not to be. It hurts me somewhere, that I can't even reach yet. There is something missing in me that I want to blame your for, I just try to remember that there is something missing in you too.  You are so blind and so unable to take responsibility for your actions, how do you survive?  Seething hatred spews from your mouth with no sense of reality. What are you so angry about? Where did all of this hate come from?

You put me in situations as a child that could have literally killed me. I try so hard to forgive you, and I think I have, I just can't seem to develop any desire to love you.  I never learned how to be a girl, I was too busy trying to be  woman, because that's what I needed to survive. Now, I am 29 going on 59 and while I am thankful for the forced ability to take care of myself, I missed my moment to be care free and playful.  I think I'm done trying to build something with you, I think it's time for me to let you go no matter how much it pains me.  Really, I'm just letting the idea of you go, because I never actually had you.

I'm going to love my babies with every single bit of my heart and soul.  My children will know that I love them, and that I am here for them.  I will never be too busy or too preoccupied. My children will feel safe.  I will never hurt them the way that I have been hurt, I'll never wound them.  My children will play and laugh and love the way children are supposed to. I think I will always mourn you in some way, but I will not allow it to hinder my growth.  I have to put all of this to rest, my life is so full now. I can't allow anything in my life to get in the way of what I've worked so hard to achieve.

Evolution is good, holding on to regret is bad

Oh balance, you are an elusive bitch.  I'm always trying to find some kind of balance between my polar opposite, yet co-occurring feelings. For instance, second, third, and fourth chances for people who certainly don't deserve it. I need a therapist.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about  my late marriage.  I figured out why everyone was so shocked when I   broke things off.  I spent the entire relationship seeking approval and praise from everyone/anyone, creating this perfect image (lie) of how I wanted people to believe things were going. I said all the right things and baked all the right cakes.  I was everything to everyone at the times they needed me to be. I forgot, or better put, never knew what I needed from me, or anyone else for that matter. I'm no martyr, I'm just in a constant, desperate search for a pat on the back.  I have a perpetually guilty conscience, one that always needs appeasing.

There are certain things I don't want to talk about anymore, certain things I'm tired of hearing myself say.  I'm finally going to defend myself, finally going to put to rest all of the untrue things.  I can't understand why after two years, people are still talking about the demise of my marriage, as if it is front page news.  People that I believed cared for me, believed rumors and turned their backs on me. Did it hurt? Hell yes, it still does.  I've learned through this that I can live without anyone, I can move on and I will.  For anyone who is curious still...I never cheated. I left so that I wouldn't.   I did however fall in love with someone else while I was still married, this was out of my control.  To be honest, it was over well before it ended, and I would have grown out of the poor SOB anyway. Falling in love was just the catalyst. I made poor choices, I should not have gotten married in the emotionally broken state I was in.  I needed protection and I used him, unknowingly. Little did I know, there are thousands of ways someone can hurt you.

My nature urges me to apologize but it would be a lie.  I'm not sorry that I left him so that I could be happy.  I didn't even know that that was what I was doing initially.  I tried so hard to keep things easy, uncomplicated at the end.  I stuffed down my resentments to save him from the inconvenience of hearing about them.  Who cares right? It's over anyway, why do you need to know how much I hate you?  Well, I do, finally.  I've finally allowed myself to feel what I've been hiding away.  I hate the lies, I hate the lack of compassion, I hate that I never loved him, I hate that I pretended, I hate that I was taken advantage of, I hate that I lied, I hate that I let it go on so long, I hate that he still lies, I hate that I ever felt guilty for being happy and I hate that I should have known better.

I've grown up a lot in the last few years, and I have learned more than anything, how to accept responsibility for my part in the way things go.  What I am going to do now, is forgive myself, regardless if anyone else forgives me, for what they think I've done. SHOVE IT IN YOUR ASS.  (See how much I've matured)  It just isn't important anymore, I've given myself permission to let it go.  It doesn't matter how anyone thinks things went down, I know the truth.  If he needs to believe I cheated to stroke his own ego, fine.  I'll be the bad guy, I've grown used to it.  I know it's hard to believe that someone would leave you, just because they weren't happy and didn't love you, so I won't make him digest that.

I'm whole now, I'm an entire person.  I'm no longer the half girl that fills the emptiness with favors, gifts, and praises to others.  It isn't my job to make everyone feel better.  I feel good, I feel happy, I feel grounded and I'm doing it right.  I'm honest and I'm kind, without being weak.  My strength is something I can finally feel. I never thought I could live this life, it amazes me every single day.