It'll never be right, but it will be ok

Today is her 50th Birthday. She's out there, celebrating with people she calls friends...for today. Someone will refuse a favor or tell her some kind of truth that she doesn't want to hear. Next year, she'll celebrate with someone else.  I thought I would feel more. I turned 30, she turned 50 and I just don't feel like I think I should. I don't feel sad, I don't feel left out, hurt, offended, angry, betrayed or any of the other things she's made me feel in the past. Is this good? Is it bad? I just don't know. I stopped missing her a long time ago, but I used to be plagued with guilt over not wanting her in my life. I've done a lot of growing up I guess, and I realize I didn't need her before, so why would I need her now? The truth is I don't. So, without want or need I guess I am finally and truly free. 

The Lies About Truth

The truth... something so simple right? Wrong wrong wrong. The truth is an elusive bastard that hides itself in between thinly veiled lies. Everybody lies, its true. Lying is so much easier than being honest, sometimes we lie to ourselves about our lies so that we can rest easy that even though we are liars, we are justified so we are still good people. Lies are not simple, they are acts of deception. Lies cause pain, they complicate existence, lies are powerful.  The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves because we can't allow ourselves the pain and discomfort of our truth. We lie about who we are, we lie about who we aren't. The real question is, if we don't like who we are, why not try to change? Because we are lazy and afraid, that's why. We are a society of unruly toddlers, egomaniacs, pussies, and LIARS.  It's a pretty sad state of affairs.  

My goal in this time and place is to tell the truth. I don't care how ugly it is, how bad it sounds, what people will think. The truth really does set you free. Tell the truth, tell the truth if you love someone, tell the truth if you love yourself. If you don't love yourself, tell the truth about why. The journey is so much safer, so much easier if you are working with reality.  Don't listen to me though, these are just the ramblings of an insanely happy, fulfilled, excited, loved, honest girl. Maybe I'm doing something right...

Demons

Facing the truth of time, it always passes, moments and memories constantly being created
Just as quickly forgotten
Some memories we never forget
16, drugs coursing through my veins, invincibility pounding in my chest
Standing on the edge of dying, never feeling more alive
Fearless, shameless, clueless
I'll use my flesh to find my place

We created family where there was none
Lost and lonely children
Filling the voids with all we understood
Safety in numbers, but no one to save us from ourselves
Some will survive, some never had a chance
Nobody gets out unscathed

Sitting in my new skin, older, wiser, weathered
Afraid for the little girl who once was
Safe in my bed, in my skin, in my head
Memories of the past haunting my sleep
I saved me, from myself

Inferiority Complex

So, I've realized what my next self evolution project is going to be.  I always feel like everyone does everything better than I do, or that what I do isn't up to par.  I compare my skills with others and I know that it is unhealthy. I always think "well maybe I'll get better at this someday" or "I'll never be as good as that person because I am just inadequate." This kind of self doubt has crippled me in some ways.  I know to some people it would be surprising that I am so unsure of myself,  I know that I come off much more secure.  The entire battle happens beneath the surface, I never let anyone see.  I think that is what needs to change, if I let people in, and let them now how scared I am or how unsure I am, maybe they can help.

I think this kind of thought process is what lead me to drugs when I was younger, they made me feel powerful, confident and motivated. All of this is bullshit and it is lies that you tell yourself so that you don't have to stop using, and you don't have to go back to being you.  Being sober, means being vulnerable and present, when all you want is to be someone else, somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like that now, there are just still those sick little thoughts that float around in my mind, that stop me from feeling completely ok.

It's just like school, I know that SO many of my friends have or are working on degrees but for some reason I have this nagging thought that I won't be able to do it. I feel like there is something in me that is going to fuck it all up, like I don't deserve it. So, my goal before fall semester is to stop doubting myself and gather strength and courage from those that love me. I surrender, I can't do everything all by myself and I have to understand that, that is ok, and doesn't make me deficient. Wish me luck!

Peace Is Good

Peace is good, peace is something I've never experienced before and it is something I will not easily part with. Things is my life are solid, no wavering, no insecurities, no uncertainties, solid.  I know without a doubt that John and I are on our way to the rest of our lives, and I know we will have amazing little versions of us that grow up to be outstanding, loving people. I know that I am headed in the right direction career wise, and I know that I have a plan for finishing school and that I will not let anything get in the way. Certainty feels great! With all of this being said, I would be a liar if I didn't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that is terrified that it is all going to come off the rails at any second (but that is just my past whispering in my ear).  

Pretty soon, John and I will be living alone. This is going to be the best possible thing for our relationship, it's time to have this house all to ourselves.  Also, I am going to convert the other bedroom in my sewing room.  I've never made a dress, like a real dress with appropriate seams and what not. I am more of an alteration/conversion girl. This summer I am going to start making clothes for myself and Samantha.  I'm really excited to improve my sewing skills. Thanks to my Gran I have the full setup, machine, fabric (coming out of my ears), vintage patters, buttons, zippers, hooks, snaps, ribbon, piping...you get the idea. 

30 is going to be SO good!! I couldn't possibly be more excited for my future, which is something I've never been able to say before. To be honest, there have been times in my life that I wasn't sure I had one.  Everything good, is just falling into place, people that I've missed are coming back around, and my lasting friendships are getting stronger by the day. I've got love and joy flowing through me constantly. Life is good.

The Complicated World of Family Life

This age is so weird, I remember the old me as if she was in a story book, or more realistically an after school special. I'm so different, so...GROWN UP!  I guess I'm just kind of settling into this revamped version of myself that I'm not quite comfortable living in yet. I've come to the conclusion that I have lived a life void of many things that most of my friends have in bounty. Now, this isn't a woe is me thing, I am just starting to understand why I am different. I've been on my own for a long time, taking care of myself and depending on nobody but me. That kind of thing changes you, I don't trust people to have my best interest at heart, so often times I take the wheel, just to protect myself. I'm realizing slowly but surely that this is offensive to the people who love me.

I had a pretty amazing weekend which sounds terrible, because it all revolved around a funeral. This horrible event, ended up uniting people and re-establishing bonds and re-igniting love. To witness the unity of family is something I've been missing for a really long time. Even if it wasn't my family that was reuniting, it gave me hope. John's family was so easy for me to be with, to sit with in silence as well as great conversation. I feel like if there is a heaven, John's Gram was watching with complete delight at her beautiful family sharing stories, loving each other and celebrating her life and her love.

This weekend has left me thinking about family, mine, John's, our future family. I'm thinking a lot about being a Mom and what all of that means to me. I want to be the kind of Mom that has an open, honest, trusting relationship with my children. I want them to know without a doubt that I will love them every single day of their lives and that I will be there for them, under any circumstances. I don't want the fractured relationship that was modeled so many times in my own family.

I'm heavy this week, I guess approaching 30 has that effect on people.

Picture Perfect

So, no more doom and gloom. I hit a rough patch emotionally I guess, given my last few posts, sorry lol  I'm back with the fun, food and photos.  So, yesterday I had the most amazing inbox message on Facebook! One of my friends asked if she could print some of my photos, to hang in her house! Like, are you kidding me?? This is something I do because it's fun, and someone actually liked it enough to want them printed! I am so flattered, it was a great compliment.  Anywho, I've been having SO much fun with my new camera, now I just need to decide the next lens I want to buy.  Here are some of my favs thus far.

I also found the most awesomest blog Sweet Tea and Cornbread, it's all things Southern and I am all too interested! I am making one of the breakfast recipes tomorrow morning and I'm super excited to see how it turns out!  I love the south, and southern people, and southern food and..yeah I just love it.

I've also realized that I have this new found confidence, and inner sexy that I never knew existed. I attribute that to several things, and by things I mean people. It started with Maggie, when we lived together, she did a lot to improve my self esteem regarding my outer beauty. I've never been a girl that felt "pretty" or sexy or anything but awkward.  I was always one of the guys, never the hot girl. Mags made me feel like one of the pretty girls. Second, is John, he gives me so much confidence and is always making me feel sexy from within.  This confidence and raised self esteem, has broadened my horizons by making me more of a "go getter" so to speak.  This relationship has empowered me in ways I'll never be able to explain. Sam, my partner in crime, has been side by side on this journey with me, both of us lifting each others spirits and helping each other realize what amazing, beautiful, powerful women we are! We will survive, strive and kick ass lady! Here are some of my favorite sex kitten pictures of my best gal and I LMAO.

I guess, what I'm getting at is that, I'm good.  I'm healthy, happy and delighted to be alive. I feel strong and driven, like nothing can stop me now!