The Complicated World of Family Life

This age is so weird, I remember the old me as if she was in a story book, or more realistically an after school special. I'm so different, so...GROWN UP!  I guess I'm just kind of settling into this revamped version of myself that I'm not quite comfortable living in yet. I've come to the conclusion that I have lived a life void of many things that most of my friends have in bounty. Now, this isn't a woe is me thing, I am just starting to understand why I am different. I've been on my own for a long time, taking care of myself and depending on nobody but me. That kind of thing changes you, I don't trust people to have my best interest at heart, so often times I take the wheel, just to protect myself. I'm realizing slowly but surely that this is offensive to the people who love me.

I had a pretty amazing weekend which sounds terrible, because it all revolved around a funeral. This horrible event, ended up uniting people and re-establishing bonds and re-igniting love. To witness the unity of family is something I've been missing for a really long time. Even if it wasn't my family that was reuniting, it gave me hope. John's family was so easy for me to be with, to sit with in silence as well as great conversation. I feel like if there is a heaven, John's Gram was watching with complete delight at her beautiful family sharing stories, loving each other and celebrating her life and her love.

This weekend has left me thinking about family, mine, John's, our future family. I'm thinking a lot about being a Mom and what all of that means to me. I want to be the kind of Mom that has an open, honest, trusting relationship with my children. I want them to know without a doubt that I will love them every single day of their lives and that I will be there for them, under any circumstances. I don't want the fractured relationship that was modeled so many times in my own family.

I'm heavy this week, I guess approaching 30 has that effect on people.

Picture Perfect

So, no more doom and gloom. I hit a rough patch emotionally I guess, given my last few posts, sorry lol  I'm back with the fun, food and photos.  So, yesterday I had the most amazing inbox message on Facebook! One of my friends asked if she could print some of my photos, to hang in her house! Like, are you kidding me?? This is something I do because it's fun, and someone actually liked it enough to want them printed! I am so flattered, it was a great compliment.  Anywho, I've been having SO much fun with my new camera, now I just need to decide the next lens I want to buy.  Here are some of my favs thus far.

I also found the most awesomest blog Sweet Tea and Cornbread, it's all things Southern and I am all too interested! I am making one of the breakfast recipes tomorrow morning and I'm super excited to see how it turns out!  I love the south, and southern people, and southern food and..yeah I just love it.

I've also realized that I have this new found confidence, and inner sexy that I never knew existed. I attribute that to several things, and by things I mean people. It started with Maggie, when we lived together, she did a lot to improve my self esteem regarding my outer beauty. I've never been a girl that felt "pretty" or sexy or anything but awkward.  I was always one of the guys, never the hot girl. Mags made me feel like one of the pretty girls. Second, is John, he gives me so much confidence and is always making me feel sexy from within.  This confidence and raised self esteem, has broadened my horizons by making me more of a "go getter" so to speak.  This relationship has empowered me in ways I'll never be able to explain. Sam, my partner in crime, has been side by side on this journey with me, both of us lifting each others spirits and helping each other realize what amazing, beautiful, powerful women we are! We will survive, strive and kick ass lady! Here are some of my favorite sex kitten pictures of my best gal and I LMAO.

I guess, what I'm getting at is that, I'm good.  I'm healthy, happy and delighted to be alive. I feel strong and driven, like nothing can stop me now!

So tired of the fight

I'm so out of things to say/do.  I'm so tired of fighting, you win.  I've been fighting you for as long as I can remember and it hurts too much to keep going. I can't watch my words anymore.  You win, you win! That is what you wanted me to say right? You're right, we are all stupid and we are awful people, you are the ONLY one with any heart.  I've never met someone so lost in my entire life, and I am embarrassed for myself.  I've beat my head against the wall trying to make things clear for you, trying to make you see.  It's like talking to a two year old.  I can't tell you anything you don't already know. You're pride, has caused you to plateau. You are never going to evolve, because you are too dense to know that you should.

I've lost hope.  You will never be to me, what you should be.  I have to find a way to reconcile that within myself.  I have to be better in spite of it.  I have to take the things you've done and use them as an example, of who not to be. It hurts me somewhere, that I can't even reach yet. There is something missing in me that I want to blame your for, I just try to remember that there is something missing in you too.  You are so blind and so unable to take responsibility for your actions, how do you survive?  Seething hatred spews from your mouth with no sense of reality. What are you so angry about? Where did all of this hate come from?

You put me in situations as a child that could have literally killed me. I try so hard to forgive you, and I think I have, I just can't seem to develop any desire to love you.  I never learned how to be a girl, I was too busy trying to be  woman, because that's what I needed to survive. Now, I am 29 going on 59 and while I am thankful for the forced ability to take care of myself, I missed my moment to be care free and playful.  I think I'm done trying to build something with you, I think it's time for me to let you go no matter how much it pains me.  Really, I'm just letting the idea of you go, because I never actually had you.

I'm going to love my babies with every single bit of my heart and soul.  My children will know that I love them, and that I am here for them.  I will never be too busy or too preoccupied. My children will feel safe.  I will never hurt them the way that I have been hurt, I'll never wound them.  My children will play and laugh and love the way children are supposed to. I think I will always mourn you in some way, but I will not allow it to hinder my growth.  I have to put all of this to rest, my life is so full now. I can't allow anything in my life to get in the way of what I've worked so hard to achieve.

Evolution is good, holding on to regret is bad

Oh balance, you are an elusive bitch.  I'm always trying to find some kind of balance between my polar opposite, yet co-occurring feelings. For instance, second, third, and fourth chances for people who certainly don't deserve it. I need a therapist.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about  my late marriage.  I figured out why everyone was so shocked when I   broke things off.  I spent the entire relationship seeking approval and praise from everyone/anyone, creating this perfect image (lie) of how I wanted people to believe things were going. I said all the right things and baked all the right cakes.  I was everything to everyone at the times they needed me to be. I forgot, or better put, never knew what I needed from me, or anyone else for that matter. I'm no martyr, I'm just in a constant, desperate search for a pat on the back.  I have a perpetually guilty conscience, one that always needs appeasing.

There are certain things I don't want to talk about anymore, certain things I'm tired of hearing myself say.  I'm finally going to defend myself, finally going to put to rest all of the untrue things.  I can't understand why after two years, people are still talking about the demise of my marriage, as if it is front page news.  People that I believed cared for me, believed rumors and turned their backs on me. Did it hurt? Hell yes, it still does.  I've learned through this that I can live without anyone, I can move on and I will.  For anyone who is curious still...I never cheated. I left so that I wouldn't.   I did however fall in love with someone else while I was still married, this was out of my control.  To be honest, it was over well before it ended, and I would have grown out of the poor SOB anyway. Falling in love was just the catalyst. I made poor choices, I should not have gotten married in the emotionally broken state I was in.  I needed protection and I used him, unknowingly. Little did I know, there are thousands of ways someone can hurt you.

My nature urges me to apologize but it would be a lie.  I'm not sorry that I left him so that I could be happy.  I didn't even know that that was what I was doing initially.  I tried so hard to keep things easy, uncomplicated at the end.  I stuffed down my resentments to save him from the inconvenience of hearing about them.  Who cares right? It's over anyway, why do you need to know how much I hate you?  Well, I do, finally.  I've finally allowed myself to feel what I've been hiding away.  I hate the lies, I hate the lack of compassion, I hate that I never loved him, I hate that I pretended, I hate that I was taken advantage of, I hate that I lied, I hate that I let it go on so long, I hate that he still lies, I hate that I ever felt guilty for being happy and I hate that I should have known better.

I've grown up a lot in the last few years, and I have learned more than anything, how to accept responsibility for my part in the way things go.  What I am going to do now, is forgive myself, regardless if anyone else forgives me, for what they think I've done. SHOVE IT IN YOUR ASS.  (See how much I've matured)  It just isn't important anymore, I've given myself permission to let it go.  It doesn't matter how anyone thinks things went down, I know the truth.  If he needs to believe I cheated to stroke his own ego, fine.  I'll be the bad guy, I've grown used to it.  I know it's hard to believe that someone would leave you, just because they weren't happy and didn't love you, so I won't make him digest that.

I'm whole now, I'm an entire person.  I'm no longer the half girl that fills the emptiness with favors, gifts, and praises to others.  It isn't my job to make everyone feel better.  I feel good, I feel happy, I feel grounded and I'm doing it right.  I'm honest and I'm kind, without being weak.  My strength is something I can finally feel. I never thought I could live this life, it amazes me every single day.

Ok Ok i get it

So, I'm back.  It's been a little while, it isn't that I have a shortage of things to say, I just haven't been inspired to say things.  So now I'm sure I'll just ramble on about nonsense and what not for a cool minute.

I'm really excited about my life right now.  John and I were in bed last night talking about how we want our dream home to be designed.  Of course my main focus was on the kitchen.  It is an amazing feeling to know that someone wants to design their life with you, and around you. Like, do I deserve this?  What did I did to have the good fortune of finding my perfect match?  I wonder if he knows what he's signing up for hmmm...

In June we are taking a trip to Alabama to spend some time with John's Dad and step Mom.  I could not be more excited, I can't wait to meet the man who created the love of my life so I can properly thank him.  I am thrilled to spend some time out of the valley or as I like to call it "the sucking pit of death".  I need some fresh air, green grass, and good food.  I think this trip is going to be amazing. Who knows, maybe we'll fall in love with Alabama and never come back.

I can't let go of this feeling that I need to flee this place.  I feel like as soon as we can settle down in a place where we can be ourselves and live the life we dream about, my real life will begin.  It's unnerving to sit around and realize that you aren't living the life you're meant to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy girl, I just think my happiness is in limbo and will really come to life once we've carved our own path.  I want babies, and I don't want to raise them here, it terrifies me.

I never thought I would want to leave socal but here it is.  People keep saying things to me like "why would you want to move, the weather here is so beautiful"?  Well, if that is the only thing this place has going for it, count me out.  Yes, the weather is beautiful and you have to give the state your first born child and a kidney to live here.  My first apartment at 19 was a two bedroom in Sherman Oaks in a four unit building built in the 50s. We paid 1350 to live there.  It wasn't even that nice, and the bedrooms were small. To me, that is madness. I have been looking in New Orleans and Kentucky just to compare cost of living.  In New Orleans I found several beautiful apartments in great locations that allow all size dogs for amazing prices.  One in particular was a two bedroom, pet friendly, hard wood floors, washer/dryer in unit, patio, pool, gym, walk in closets, big kitchen, parking (wow), for 795. What???? You can't hardly find a studio in the shittiest part of the valley for that!  Minimum wage is 7.25 but unlike LA most jobs that aren't fast food or grocery bagger pay more than that.  I was checking craigslist in LA for reception jobs and they pay the same as in New Orleans. 

The ultimate goal is to buy property and have a house built.  I can afford that in states like Kentucky, Alabama and Louisiana. I've finally come to realize that I deserve "the American dream" just as much as the next schmuck.  I also know that you have to go out and get it and that is what I plan to do.  I'm ready to find my little cubbyhole in the world and set up shop.  I want to know and love my neighbors, I want to attend neighborhood picnics and block parties and be part of some social group that plans great events for the community.  I want my kids to be safe at school and at home and I want to know that I am providing the very best life I can for them.  I'm ready and willing to do everything I  must to attain this life.