Oh balance, you are an elusive bitch. I'm always trying to find some kind of balance between my polar opposite, yet co-occurring feelings. For instance, second, third, and fourth chances for people who certainly don't deserve it. I need a therapist.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my late marriage. I figured out why everyone was so shocked when I broke things off. I spent the entire relationship seeking approval and praise from everyone/anyone, creating this perfect image (lie) of how I wanted people to believe things were going. I said all the right things and baked all the right cakes. I was everything to everyone at the times they needed me to be. I forgot, or better put, never knew what I needed from me, or anyone else for that matter. I'm no martyr, I'm just in a constant, desperate search for a pat on the back. I have a perpetually guilty conscience, one that always needs appeasing.
There are certain things I don't want to talk about anymore, certain things I'm tired of hearing myself say. I'm finally going to defend myself, finally going to put to rest all of the untrue things. I can't understand why after two years, people are still talking about the demise of my marriage, as if it is front page news. People that I believed cared for me, believed rumors and turned their backs on me. Did it hurt? Hell yes, it still does. I've learned through this that I can live without anyone, I can move on and I will. For anyone who is curious still...I never cheated. I left so that I wouldn't. I did however fall in love with someone else while I was still married, this was out of my control. To be honest, it was over well before it ended, and I would have grown out of the poor SOB anyway. Falling in love was just the catalyst. I made poor choices, I should not have gotten married in the emotionally broken state I was in. I needed protection and I used him, unknowingly. Little did I know, there are thousands of ways someone can hurt you.
My nature urges me to apologize but it would be a lie. I'm not sorry that I left him so that I could be happy. I didn't even know that that was what I was doing initially. I tried so hard to keep things easy, uncomplicated at the end. I stuffed down my resentments to save him from the inconvenience of hearing about them. Who cares right? It's over anyway, why do you need to know how much I hate you? Well, I do, finally. I've finally allowed myself to feel what I've been hiding away. I hate the lies, I hate the lack of compassion, I hate that I never loved him, I hate that I pretended, I hate that I was taken advantage of, I hate that I lied, I hate that I let it go on so long, I hate that he still lies, I hate that I ever felt guilty for being happy and I hate that I should have known better.
I've grown up a lot in the last few years, and I have learned more than anything, how to accept responsibility for my part in the way things go. What I am going to do now, is forgive myself, regardless if anyone else forgives me, for what they think I've done. SHOVE IT IN YOUR ASS. (See how much I've matured) It just isn't important anymore, I've given myself permission to let it go. It doesn't matter how anyone thinks things went down, I know the truth. If he needs to believe I cheated to stroke his own ego, fine. I'll be the bad guy, I've grown used to it. I know it's hard to believe that someone would leave you, just because they weren't happy and didn't love you, so I won't make him digest that.
I'm whole now, I'm an entire person. I'm no longer the half girl that fills the emptiness with favors, gifts, and praises to others. It isn't my job to make everyone feel better. I feel good, I feel happy, I feel grounded and I'm doing it right. I'm honest and I'm kind, without being weak. My strength is something I can finally feel. I never thought I could live this life, it amazes me every single day.
