I'm so out of things to say/do. I'm so tired of fighting, you win. I've been fighting you for as long as I can remember and it hurts too much to keep going. I can't watch my words anymore. You win, you win! That is what you wanted me to say right? You're right, we are all stupid and we are awful people, you are the ONLY one with any heart. I've never met someone so lost in my entire life, and I am embarrassed for myself. I've beat my head against the wall trying to make things clear for you, trying to make you see. It's like talking to a two year old. I can't tell you anything you don't already know. You're pride, has caused you to plateau. You are never going to evolve, because you are too dense to know that you should.
I've lost hope. You will never be to me, what you should be. I have to find a way to reconcile that within myself. I have to be better in spite of it. I have to take the things you've done and use them as an example, of who not to be. It hurts me somewhere, that I can't even reach yet. There is something missing in me that I want to blame your for, I just try to remember that there is something missing in you too. You are so blind and so unable to take responsibility for your actions, how do you survive? Seething hatred spews from your mouth with no sense of reality. What are you so angry about? Where did all of this hate come from?
You put me in situations as a child that could have literally killed me. I try so hard to forgive you, and I think I have, I just can't seem to develop any desire to love you. I never learned how to be a girl, I was too busy trying to be woman, because that's what I needed to survive. Now, I am 29 going on 59 and while I am thankful for the forced ability to take care of myself, I missed my moment to be care free and playful. I think I'm done trying to build something with you, I think it's time for me to let you go no matter how much it pains me. Really, I'm just letting the idea of you go, because I never actually had you.
I'm going to love my babies with every single bit of my heart and soul. My children will know that I love them, and that I am here for them. I will never be too busy or too preoccupied. My children will feel safe. I will never hurt them the way that I have been hurt, I'll never wound them. My children will play and laugh and love the way children are supposed to. I think I will always mourn you in some way, but I will not allow it to hinder my growth. I have to put all of this to rest, my life is so full now. I can't allow anything in my life to get in the way of what I've worked so hard to achieve.
