Old Year New Year Red Fish Blue Fish

Every year I write a goodbye to the previous.  The past few years I have written pretty nasty screw you letters to the year passed, this year I'm singing a different tune. 

2011  I love you.  This has been a year of discovery, growth and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.  It has also been a year of trials, frustrations, fights and reconciliations.  All of these events have come together to create one of the happiest years of my life.  I have never felt more like myself than I have in 2011, I have never been so willing to be vulnerable, all with excellent outcome.  I am raw, fearless, and motivated.  I AM the very best version of myself.  I have subconsciously and consciously pushed, pulled and clawed my way to a place above all of the fear, judgment and resentment I had been living.  I am free, free to love wholeheartedly and without fear.  There are a few people who have held my hand along the way and I could not be as happy, stable and confident as I am today without them. John, you are my heart.  I love you more and more each and every day and you make me feel like I am capable of any damn thing I decide I want to take on.  You are kind, you are loving and you are my very best friend.  We are going to have the most amazing life together!  Aaron, you are my favorite newest bff.  I can always talk to you and you are always supportive and sweet.  I am looking forward to a long friendship with you.  Mags, oh Maggie we've fought, we've loved each other we've been hot messes at various times but you are my favorite best frenemy! As much as I want to take care of you and help you along the way, you take care of me too.  You make me feel beautiful, and important, I am thankful for that.  Kathy, thank you for being the house Mommy, we all need a little mothering sometimes, no matter how old we are! Hilly and Lilly, my favorite two girls to hang around the house with! Hill, our new closer friendship means a lot to me and I think its only going to get better!  Your baby girl makes my heart happy each time I see her lil face.  I am honored to be part of your big day! Lori, you make me absolutely positive that I can be successful in this tough field, you are my personal inspiration!


Well, 2011 has been incredible and I get the feeling that 2012 is gonna knock my socks off! There are weddings, travels and who knows what else to look forward to in the year ahead!  I wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year with as much love, success and happiness I have experienced this year.

Time To Get Real

So, I am on day 4 of a 5 day vacation all of which I have spent sick.  It figures, we have been planning this trip for months and are overdue for a good time so, the universe decided that it was time for my body to shut down.  I am pleased with myself for upgrading to the nicer room, I've spent a lot of time here.  This is the point in my trip when I start to feel sorry for myself because I am in a constant state of either illness, recovery or illness prevention (which by the way rarely works).  This period of self loathing never lasts long, I am entirely too proud to feel sorry for myself for any significant length of time.  Now I'm just pissed.  So, for the thousandth time I am kicking my health routine into overdrive, be proactive right?  I have a juicer and I know how to use it!  Really though, I'm 28 going on 48 and I need to start being more realistic about the "special needs" of my body.  I remember a time when I could eat and drink anything, in any combination, whenever I wanted.  That ship has sailed, I'm hypoglycemic so I have to watch my sugar and I have a depleted immune system from illness as a child as well as what I am 99 percent positive is an ulcer.  I feel like an idiot sometimes for thinking that I am super girl or something and that I can do anything, consequence free! Reality Bites.  In order to be healthy enough to do the things that I want to do, I have to take charge of how I treat myself and be responsible for my body. 


Going to the Doc regularly is something that I really suck at, as a kid I was sick allllll the time and spent a lot of time in the hospital, having all kinds of tests, procedures and a few surgeries.  I guess I'm tired of being poked and afraid of something being "found".  This makes me a complete fucking MORON.  I lost my Grandfather in January of 2010 because he had an ulcer that he never saw the doctor for until he was bleeding out into his stomach. After countless surgeries to try and repair him, there was nothing more that could be done.  How stupid! A fucking ulcer killed him, something the doctor tells you to take Tagament for and avoid peppers and citrus.  He had to have been in agonizing pain for over a year on and off and never took care of it, then he spent several more agonizing months in the hospital only to lose the battle and leave us all too early.  Am I angry about this? Absolutely. You would think that this horrific loss would open my eyes to the real risks of not taking proper care of yourself.  I think it finally sunk in today.  Today is my Grandfather's birthday and I am sitting in a fancy hotel room in Vegas with a pocket full of cash, too sick to enjoy my time because I can't be bothered to take the necessary steps to stay healthy.  Guilt has taken over, I not only ruined my vacation but I have now allowed my  idiocy to wreck John's much deserved vacay as well. 

I don't know what  purpose this rant serves other than to remind myself and maybe others of the importance of taking care of yourself, if not for your benefit than the benefit of those who love you.

Happy Birthday Gramps! I love you to a zillion pieces and think of you every day.  You have taught me valuable lessons in life as well as in death.  You brought sincere happiness and love to every person you came into contact with, I have never met a more loving, accepting person and I don't think I ever will.  You are missed more than you could have ever imagined. 

Anxiety Seeping Through My Seams

I'm getting really restless.  I don't want to live in this damn city anymore, I feel really stuck.  The problem  certainly is not motivation, we are more than motivated.  The issue is the means, once we've figured out the HOW everything will be gravy.  Until then I am bubbling over with anticipation, this consumes my dreams most nights and most days.  I spent so much time trying to force happiness in my previous life, I am finally sincerely happy now and I just want to be free to become even happier.  I feel like once we've gotten somewhere we can relax and be comfortable, we will  be elevated to a brand new place, one neither of us have been before.  If we have the ability to make the very best of this place, I can't  imagine the bliss we'll find in the future.  I can't wait for things to align and I am plotting and planning every single day to get us there. This house has too many memories that belong to too many other people.  Every corner has an identity and a feel.  I need to start somewhere that doesn't hold any of my memories yet, this way I can build new ones without the old memory after taste to muck it all up. I guess, I just can't wait to start the life I know I am meant to have.

The Future is Filled With Lemonade and Cut Grass

I have this dream, or vision, or wish or something.  I see us, I see me, watching you through an old kitchen window, running and playing in the grass with our children beneath the close to blinding sunlight. I'm filled with giddiness and pure fulfillment and joy. The smells of jasmine sweep through our old plantation home. I'm making lemonade.  

You come in to see me, wiping sweat from your brow.  This smile on your face is the happiest I have ever see you. Who would have ever thought that these simple things would be our dream come true.  

We have family,we have love.  I'm "the woman of the house" and I invite people in for sweet tea on a hot summer day and you, you're the man of the house and you fix the broken things.  I love you, and our lives together more than I could have ever imagined loving anything.

I used to think I was so complicated and that I would never be happy because I would never allow myself the luxury.  What I really want is to love and be loved as much as I can before my time is through. 

This is my dream, my happy thought. It's doable.