This age is so weird, I remember the old me as if she was in a story book, or more realistically an after school special. I'm so different, so...GROWN UP! I guess I'm just kind of settling into this revamped version of myself that I'm not quite comfortable living in yet. I've come to the conclusion that I have lived a life void of many things that most of my friends have in bounty. Now, this isn't a woe is me thing, I am just starting to understand why I am different. I've been on my own for a long time, taking care of myself and depending on nobody but me. That kind of thing changes you, I don't trust people to have my best interest at heart, so often times I take the wheel, just to protect myself. I'm realizing slowly but surely that this is offensive to the people who love me.
I had a pretty amazing weekend which sounds terrible, because it all revolved around a funeral. This horrible event, ended up uniting people and re-establishing bonds and re-igniting love. To witness the unity of family is something I've been missing for a really long time. Even if it wasn't my family that was reuniting, it gave me hope. John's family was so easy for me to be with, to sit with in silence as well as great conversation. I feel like if there is a heaven, John's Gram was watching with complete delight at her beautiful family sharing stories, loving each other and celebrating her life and her love.
This weekend has left me thinking about family, mine, John's, our future family. I'm thinking a lot about being a Mom and what all of that means to me. I want to be the kind of Mom that has an open, honest, trusting relationship with my children. I want them to know without a doubt that I will love them every single day of their lives and that I will be there for them, under any circumstances. I don't want the fractured relationship that was modeled so many times in my own family.
I'm heavy this week, I guess approaching 30 has that effect on people.
