Old Year New Year Red Fish Blue Fish

Every year I write a goodbye to the previous.  The past few years I have written pretty nasty screw you letters to the year passed, this year I'm singing a different tune. 

2011  I love you.  This has been a year of discovery, growth and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.  It has also been a year of trials, frustrations, fights and reconciliations.  All of these events have come together to create one of the happiest years of my life.  I have never felt more like myself than I have in 2011, I have never been so willing to be vulnerable, all with excellent outcome.  I am raw, fearless, and motivated.  I AM the very best version of myself.  I have subconsciously and consciously pushed, pulled and clawed my way to a place above all of the fear, judgment and resentment I had been living.  I am free, free to love wholeheartedly and without fear.  There are a few people who have held my hand along the way and I could not be as happy, stable and confident as I am today without them. John, you are my heart.  I love you more and more each and every day and you make me feel like I am capable of any damn thing I decide I want to take on.  You are kind, you are loving and you are my very best friend.  We are going to have the most amazing life together!  Aaron, you are my favorite newest bff.  I can always talk to you and you are always supportive and sweet.  I am looking forward to a long friendship with you.  Mags, oh Maggie we've fought, we've loved each other we've been hot messes at various times but you are my favorite best frenemy! As much as I want to take care of you and help you along the way, you take care of me too.  You make me feel beautiful, and important, I am thankful for that.  Kathy, thank you for being the house Mommy, we all need a little mothering sometimes, no matter how old we are! Hilly and Lilly, my favorite two girls to hang around the house with! Hill, our new closer friendship means a lot to me and I think its only going to get better!  Your baby girl makes my heart happy each time I see her lil face.  I am honored to be part of your big day! Lori, you make me absolutely positive that I can be successful in this tough field, you are my personal inspiration!


Well, 2011 has been incredible and I get the feeling that 2012 is gonna knock my socks off! There are weddings, travels and who knows what else to look forward to in the year ahead!  I wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year with as much love, success and happiness I have experienced this year.

Time To Get Real

So, I am on day 4 of a 5 day vacation all of which I have spent sick.  It figures, we have been planning this trip for months and are overdue for a good time so, the universe decided that it was time for my body to shut down.  I am pleased with myself for upgrading to the nicer room, I've spent a lot of time here.  This is the point in my trip when I start to feel sorry for myself because I am in a constant state of either illness, recovery or illness prevention (which by the way rarely works).  This period of self loathing never lasts long, I am entirely too proud to feel sorry for myself for any significant length of time.  Now I'm just pissed.  So, for the thousandth time I am kicking my health routine into overdrive, be proactive right?  I have a juicer and I know how to use it!  Really though, I'm 28 going on 48 and I need to start being more realistic about the "special needs" of my body.  I remember a time when I could eat and drink anything, in any combination, whenever I wanted.  That ship has sailed, I'm hypoglycemic so I have to watch my sugar and I have a depleted immune system from illness as a child as well as what I am 99 percent positive is an ulcer.  I feel like an idiot sometimes for thinking that I am super girl or something and that I can do anything, consequence free! Reality Bites.  In order to be healthy enough to do the things that I want to do, I have to take charge of how I treat myself and be responsible for my body. 


Going to the Doc regularly is something that I really suck at, as a kid I was sick allllll the time and spent a lot of time in the hospital, having all kinds of tests, procedures and a few surgeries.  I guess I'm tired of being poked and afraid of something being "found".  This makes me a complete fucking MORON.  I lost my Grandfather in January of 2010 because he had an ulcer that he never saw the doctor for until he was bleeding out into his stomach. After countless surgeries to try and repair him, there was nothing more that could be done.  How stupid! A fucking ulcer killed him, something the doctor tells you to take Tagament for and avoid peppers and citrus.  He had to have been in agonizing pain for over a year on and off and never took care of it, then he spent several more agonizing months in the hospital only to lose the battle and leave us all too early.  Am I angry about this? Absolutely. You would think that this horrific loss would open my eyes to the real risks of not taking proper care of yourself.  I think it finally sunk in today.  Today is my Grandfather's birthday and I am sitting in a fancy hotel room in Vegas with a pocket full of cash, too sick to enjoy my time because I can't be bothered to take the necessary steps to stay healthy.  Guilt has taken over, I not only ruined my vacation but I have now allowed my  idiocy to wreck John's much deserved vacay as well. 

I don't know what  purpose this rant serves other than to remind myself and maybe others of the importance of taking care of yourself, if not for your benefit than the benefit of those who love you.

Happy Birthday Gramps! I love you to a zillion pieces and think of you every day.  You have taught me valuable lessons in life as well as in death.  You brought sincere happiness and love to every person you came into contact with, I have never met a more loving, accepting person and I don't think I ever will.  You are missed more than you could have ever imagined. 

Anxiety Seeping Through My Seams

I'm getting really restless.  I don't want to live in this damn city anymore, I feel really stuck.  The problem  certainly is not motivation, we are more than motivated.  The issue is the means, once we've figured out the HOW everything will be gravy.  Until then I am bubbling over with anticipation, this consumes my dreams most nights and most days.  I spent so much time trying to force happiness in my previous life, I am finally sincerely happy now and I just want to be free to become even happier.  I feel like once we've gotten somewhere we can relax and be comfortable, we will  be elevated to a brand new place, one neither of us have been before.  If we have the ability to make the very best of this place, I can't  imagine the bliss we'll find in the future.  I can't wait for things to align and I am plotting and planning every single day to get us there. This house has too many memories that belong to too many other people.  Every corner has an identity and a feel.  I need to start somewhere that doesn't hold any of my memories yet, this way I can build new ones without the old memory after taste to muck it all up. I guess, I just can't wait to start the life I know I am meant to have.

The Future is Filled With Lemonade and Cut Grass

I have this dream, or vision, or wish or something.  I see us, I see me, watching you through an old kitchen window, running and playing in the grass with our children beneath the close to blinding sunlight. I'm filled with giddiness and pure fulfillment and joy. The smells of jasmine sweep through our old plantation home. I'm making lemonade.  

You come in to see me, wiping sweat from your brow.  This smile on your face is the happiest I have ever see you. Who would have ever thought that these simple things would be our dream come true.  

We have family,we have love.  I'm "the woman of the house" and I invite people in for sweet tea on a hot summer day and you, you're the man of the house and you fix the broken things.  I love you, and our lives together more than I could have ever imagined loving anything.

I used to think I was so complicated and that I would never be happy because I would never allow myself the luxury.  What I really want is to love and be loved as much as I can before my time is through. 

This is my dream, my happy thought. It's doable.

 Um...Ok I need to have this!

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups finely chopped pecans
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted
• CREAM CHEESE FILLING:
• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg, lightly beaten
• PUMPKIN FILLING:
• 2 eggs
• 1 1/4 cups canned pumpkin
• 1 cup evaporated milk
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• Dash salt
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans

Directions

1. In a small bowl, combine the pecans, sugar and butter. Press onto the bottom and 3/4 in. up the sides of a greased 9-in. springform pan. Place pan on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees F for 10 minutes.
2. In a small mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla until smooth. Add egg; beat on low speed just until combined. Spread over crust. In another mixing bowl, combine the eggs, pumpkin, milk, sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and salt; pour over the cream cheese layer.
3. Reduce heat to 350 degrees F. Bake for 55-60 minutes or until a knife inserted into pumpkin layer comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Carefully run a knife around the edge of pan to loosen; cool 1 hour longer. Sprinkle with pecans. Chill overnight. Remove sides of pan before cutting. Refrigerate leftovers.

 So, once I have them time I am going to make the shit out of this and I'll let you all know how it goes!

Living in La La Love Land

I realized recently that the version of myself that I am now is my favorite version thus far.  I have made some drastic changes in my life in the last year and a half-ish that have altered who I am, for the better.  It is so hard for me to turn my back on people and let them go but I have done some incredible work in that department. I've also left my husband, drank heavily for a summer, fell in love, found my happy place, cried myself into a deep sleep more than once, made a very difficult decision, started school again, lost several "friends", changed my attitude and reconnected with who I am...to name just a few life altering experiences I have had in the last 465 days, the last 58 of which I've been sober for.  

Now sobriety, that is something I haven't been SO familiar with. I don't know that I have been sober for more than a week in years.  The clarity that I have these days is beautiful.  I am so in love and in such a fulfilling, nurturing relationship with a man that makes me feel everything I have ever wanted to feel but didn't know I could.  I've never been so healthy with someone, so open, so raw and honest all of the time. I trust him, I really truly trust him, I don't know who else I can really say that about.  I believe him, and I believe in him.  He makes me believe in me. I have never felt so capable of anything in all of my life.  This is it, what I've been waiting for.  

I've been given the opportunity to start again and I am so much more than willing to take it.  How often in life do you get a do-over?  

 

Busy Busy Bee

Ok, I am back, it has been a crazy last few weeks! I am adjusting to this psychotic work/school schedule and then  John  and I went on vacation, but I’m ready to flap my gums now! 

I just got back from Pechanga –chunga (inside humor) a few days ago and it was so relaxing! We ate, gambled, ate, tanned, ate, swam, ate, danced…and a bunch of other stuff.  I left the casino down twenty bucks after three days of gambling! Pretty great! I’ll post pictures of all the yummy food we ate while vacationing too.

Ok, so Halloween is approaching quickly and not only have I not nailed down my costume but now I am trying to plan ghoulish appetizers and sweets for our party guests.  I have done the brain cupcakes a thousand times and the gummi worm brownies and all that standard Halloweenie stuff. I need new ideas, preferably stuff that looks like maybe ya don’t wanna eat it but if you are brave enough you’re in for a treat! Of course, I’m gonna scout my regular recipe sites but I haven’t found anything to gross thus far. 

I think planning this party and all that that entails is going to help me get back into my creative frame of mind which unfortunately has been taking a long nap.  I am also turning our dining room into my art room this coming weekend.  I had an art room in the spare bedroom which is no longer spare.  It has been too long since I have had any kind of outlet so, I am dedicating the weekend to making all of my art supplies more accessible, thus increasing the likelihood that I’ll do something with it.

Anywho, hopefully I’ll get some gruesome ideas for party food from some of my creative, foodie friends!

Alice in Zombieland 

Ok, so I am really into Halloween and it always shows up sooner than I think it is going to.  I’d really like to get a jump on my costume this year so that I’m not scrambling to throw something together last minute.  This year, my roomies and I are going for a Zombified Alice Through the Looking Glass theme. Maggie (best frenemy/roomie/seester from another meester) and her boyfriend Joey are going to be zombie Tweedle Dee and Dum (appropriate), my Boy John is going to be zombie Mad Hatter and my other roomie Aaron is going to be the Walrus.  I was thinking about being either the Cheshire Cat or the White Rabbit but I am sorta suck on the zombification part of the equation.  I was thinking that since they are both animals I could make them roadkill, buuut  I’d like to create a death for my character’s costume that goes along with the story. Hmmm...

                                                         

       I would absolutely appreciate any suggestions or ideas, I am momentarily stuck.  I am thinking if I make a Cheshire Cat costume I’d get a purple body suit and paint pink stripes on it, then fabricate a big bushy tail with various bendy wire and fabric.  I have no idea what I would do for the White Rabbit, maybe I should go ask Grace Slick lol. 

Is it Fall yet??

Fall happens to be my most favorite time of year when it comes to cooking, baking and eating. The chill in the air, the smells from my Grandma’s kitchen used to intoxicate me. Those warm, homey kitchen smells come from my house now!  I have learned a lot about preparing food from my Gram, she at one time worked 40 plus hours a week as a budget analyst for Weber Aircraft and would come home, start the laundry and cook a full course meal for the family.  She was wonder woman I swear! These days I don’t get to do much cooking because of my crazy work/school schedule and I miss it!  I will however be MAKING time to cook/bake once the temperatures drop and I can run the oven without cooking my roomies!

I have been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving lately, seeing as I have so much to be thankful for these days.  I thought this would be a good time to share some of my favorite Thanksgiving recipes and turkey tips!

The Best Stuffing Ever!!!!

Ingredients

• 1 pound mushrooms, rinsed, ends trimmed, and sliced
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 2 onions (3/4 lb. total), chopped
• 1 cup chopped celery
• 2 tablespoons minced garlic
• About 2 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 1 loaf (1 lb.) sourdough bread, cut into 1/2-in. cubes
• 2 jars (6 oz. each) marinated artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
• 1 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese
• 1 1/2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
• 1 1/2 tablespoons minced fresh rosemary leaves or 3/4 tsp. crumbled dried rosemary
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 large egg

Preparation

• 1. In a 12-in. frying pan over high heat, cook mushrooms, butter, onions, celery, and garlic, stirring often, until vegetables are lightly browned, about 15 minutes. Pour into a large bowl. Add a bit of broth to pan and stir to scrape up browned bits. Add to bowl.
• 2. Pour 2 cups broth into bowl and add bread, artichoke hearts, parmesan, poultry seasoning, and rosemary; mix well. Add salt and pepper to taste. Make a well in stuffing. Add egg and beat with a fork to blend; mix egg with stuffing.
• 3. Preheat oven to 325° to 350° (use temperature turkey requires; see Note below). Spoon stuffing into a shallow 3-qt. (9- by 13-in.) casserole. For moist stuffing, cover with foil; for crusty stuffing, do not cover. Bake until hot (at least 150° in center) or lightly browned, about 50 minutes.
• Make ahead: Up to 1 day ahead, make stuffing, put in casserole, cover, and chill. Allow about 1 hour to bake.
• Note: For turkeys 10-13 lbs., oven/bbq temperature should be 350°; for turkeys 14 lbs. and over, oven/bbq temperature should be 325°.

My Gram’s Persimmon Cookie Recipe

I’ve never shared this, enjoy! I do every year.

Ingredients

·         1 cup Pulp (persimmon)

·         1 egg beaten

·         1 cup sugar

·         1 tsp. Baking soda

·         1 cup nuts (gram uses walnuts, I use pecans)

·         1 cup raisins (or not, if you don’t dig  em)

·         1 cup choc. Chips

·         ½ cup spry (lol Crisco)

·         2 cups flour

·         ½ tsp. Cloves

·         ½ tsp. Cinnamon

·         ½ tsp. Nutmeg

Prep:

Cream (blend with pastry cutter) sugar and spry, add soda in beaten egg. Mix in pulp. Add sifted flour with spices-little at a time.  Mix in nuts, raisins and choc chips. Drop on cookie sheet.

Bake:

350 15-17 minutes

Seasonal, persimmons are available oct-dec         

I will definitely be sharing more recipes as the fall season approaches and I’ll share any new recipes I try that work out well ;) 

Now, for the turkey tips…

Use a turkey bag, it will be the moistest turkey ever!

Use lots and lots of butter, hey its thanksgiving, live a little! Garlic, onion, poultry seasonings (fresh), salt, pepper