Inferiority Complex

So, I've realized what my next self evolution project is going to be.  I always feel like everyone does everything better than I do, or that what I do isn't up to par.  I compare my skills with others and I know that it is unhealthy. I always think "well maybe I'll get better at this someday" or "I'll never be as good as that person because I am just inadequate." This kind of self doubt has crippled me in some ways.  I know to some people it would be surprising that I am so unsure of myself,  I know that I come off much more secure.  The entire battle happens beneath the surface, I never let anyone see.  I think that is what needs to change, if I let people in, and let them now how scared I am or how unsure I am, maybe they can help.

I think this kind of thought process is what lead me to drugs when I was younger, they made me feel powerful, confident and motivated. All of this is bullshit and it is lies that you tell yourself so that you don't have to stop using, and you don't have to go back to being you.  Being sober, means being vulnerable and present, when all you want is to be someone else, somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like that now, there are just still those sick little thoughts that float around in my mind, that stop me from feeling completely ok.

It's just like school, I know that SO many of my friends have or are working on degrees but for some reason I have this nagging thought that I won't be able to do it. I feel like there is something in me that is going to fuck it all up, like I don't deserve it. So, my goal before fall semester is to stop doubting myself and gather strength and courage from those that love me. I surrender, I can't do everything all by myself and I have to understand that, that is ok, and doesn't make me deficient. Wish me luck!